But there is a real beauty in this feeling of unworthiness. Because I know that I have been given this give of salvation and it’s a gift I don’t deserve. Since I know I don’t deserve it, I can cherish it that much more. And maybe if I can remind myself of my unworthiness every day, I can also be reminded of this gift that I’ve been given. I don’t want to waste it.
I am unworthy. I was born unworthy and I will die unworthy. My unworthiness defines me, it’s who I am. I am unworthy to be loved, adored or cherished; yet, I am all of these things and more. Sometimes I feel so unworthy that I just want to get down on my knees and thank God over and over and over for what he’s done for me. Other days I feel so unworthy that I want to crawl in a hole and never come out.
I mean, who am I? Who am I that Christ would deem it necessary to walk the earth as a man, and bear my sin on a cross that brought him more pain and suffering than I will ever have to endure? Who am I that he would chose to bless me by surrounding me with people who love me and who encourage me every single day? What did I ever do to deserve this?
I did absolutely nothing to deserve Jesus’ sacrifice or his love, and I certainly did nothing to deserve all these blessings he’s given me throughout my life. If anything I’ve disappointed Him more than I’ve made him proud. I struggle every day with the idea that a mighty, powerful, awesome and wonderful God would deem me worthy to receive His salvation. I am just in awe of how the sacrifice he made was because of the fact that I am unworthy. He knew beforehand every time I would mess up, every time I would let Him down and he died on that cross for me anyway.
Unconditional love. It’s something we talk about, and we say that we love our family, our children, our friends and our spouses unconditionally. But the only person to ever walk the earth who has actually felt and truly understood unconditional love is Jesus Christ. It’s so ironic because the only perfect, sinless person in the world…the only person who really was worthy…is the one who sacrificed everything for me, the one who is unworthy. It’s hard for me to make sense of it because that just doesn’t add up. You don’t sacrifice the perfect to save the flawed. Yet here I am, as unworthy and alive as ever. Why? Because Christ understood the concept of unconditional love and he executed that concept. And during all that pain and suffering that He had to endure, He thought of me. That’s crazy to me. He thought of me. He knew who I would be and what I would become. I wish I could understand that kind of love. Instead I’m just left feeling unworthy.